How's My English As A Second Language?1875, the government of Ropia city was established, no one had believed this day would come. After 900 years of settling in Egypt's lands. The residents' economic situation deteriorated; their hopes hadn't been seen on the horizon any more. The flag that symbolized their freedom was put at half mast, being sullied with blood stains, those which belonged to the soldiers who had been fighting for years to get it to flutter proudly. Raising their heads, asking the merciful god to lead them to victory, they expected the savior to fall from the skies, they portrayed him as a godlike man, a sort of guy that could captivate the most beautiful lady in the planet by a wink. They definitely wouldn't have thought it was me, even if the Load himself had said it explicitly. They chose a man called "Kenney" instead, his appearance looked almost like they had described their savior would be. His body shape was curved in a way that showed up his strength, but later, he turned out to be an arrogant boastful person. Twenty years later, 1895, times were just getting rough in Ropia city. Many families lived under the poverty line, the food was picked off the ground, only the lucky ones were able to eat what the rich families had dumped in the garbage. A digestive transmitted disease was the common issue that the government had to deal with, but they all knew it was just the beginning …
I'd be glad if you help me finding a title to this story !
BTW, how's my English ?
Posted by Bridgette
The citizens of Ropia were riddled with poverty, and the flag that symbolized their freedom was put at half mast - sullied with blood stains belonging to the soldiers who had fought for years so that it could be displayed proudly. The people raised their faces to the sky and prayed for the merciful God to lead them to victory. They envisioned their savior as a godlike man who would come from the sky and save them from their miserable state. They couldn't accept that in reality, I was the savior. They chose to follow a man named Kenney, whose muscled body resembled what they thought their savior should look like. They soon found Kenney to be an arrogant, egotistical man.
Twenty years after Ropia was founded, many families got their food by scavenging through discarded scraps tossed down by the rich. Diseases were common and deaths occured often; their was no end to the suffering that these citizens had endured.
MY OPINION:
You seem to be trying to input facts into the middle of a story. You are going to have to choose between a descriptive story or a factual report. The founding of the city and the settlement of Egypt was irrelevant to the rest of the paragraph.
The beginning tells of the horrible poverty of the people of Ropia, but then you go on to say that things are 'just getting rough in Ropia city' twenty years later. You need to make sure that everything you say lines up with what you previously wrote.
As for the issue of your English, I believe that you could use some more practice. You have nice vocabulary, but you need to work on your grammar so that your stories flow better and can be easily read.
Orignal From: How's My English As A Second Language?
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